One Life Goal Too Many?

I missed my first two high school reunions. The first occurred after only five years and felt pointless; the second (ten year) was planned during one of my cross-country moves. It occurred to me the other day that I am two years from my fifteen year mark and I’m not positive I want to attend. Despite the fact that every return visit to my southeast Missouri hometown feels like fingernails on a chalkboard; I typically make the trip “home” every 12-18 months out of duty to my kid’s need for grandparents. Do I really want to toss in another visit just for the sake of nostalgia? Unlike most people, I had a fairly inconsequential high school life. I really can’t think of any horror stories. The few people I really could do without seeing have already taken it upon themselves to die… so that’s not an issue (unless of course the event turns into some kind of misplaced-memorial service for the most popular kids that died due to either stupidity or suicide).

So what is my problem with reunions? Is it the same problem I have with returning “home” in general? Or am I stuck in the mode of “still trying to impress my high school friends”? I have a good marriage and three smart kids; own a home not far from Glacier Park (though I currently spend my time in Santa Fe) and make a decent living doing what I enjoy. Why is that not enough? Cripes, I’m sure there are plenty of graduates from the PBHS Class of 1993 – worse off than I. That can’t be the reason for my reservations to attend.

Instead, I wonder if it is the thought of having to stop for a moment and risk taking measure of my personal list of “life goals”. What can I check? What have I missed? Over lunch, I actually caught myself looking online at graduate programs in multiple areas of interest (including philosophy and eastern classics). I’m not changing my focus as a painter (I don’t believe I have much control over that), I’m just curious about expanding it a bit more. I’ve even tossed around enrolling in culinary school, just to “try out” that life for a few years. When I think of reunions I have images of stereotypical balding classmates (I still have all my hair!) and large bellies (well, I got tagged on that one….I’m not exactly as fit as I should be). I believe after the last reunion my childhood friend Vin told me everyone had “swelled”. Unfortunately, I also perceive giant tables where everyone sits and discusses their 401k plan. I’m not much for practicality, so choosing retirement plans tend to scare me more than the fact that Santa Fe County (particularly my backyard) is ground-zero for Bubonic Plague in the United States (one woman recently died and the annual season has barely started). I typically care more about visiting that certain restaurant I once saw mentioned on a PBS documentary, three hundred miles from home; than actually changing the oil in my car. For instance, I now live on a dirt road in the middle of the high desert… so I quit washing my vehicles. What’s the point, when I could use that extra half hour every week to read.

Maybe that’s what art is – a defiance of practicality. I had a professor that often said “why does the world need another painting?” Well from a practical sense, it doesn’t. We, as artists, choose to continue to make something from nothing, because what’s out there isn’t the “masterpiece” within our own mind’s eye. I don’t buy into the notion of scatter-brained artsy types. A person cannot be both an idiot and a true artist – maybe there are artists that don’t articulate so well within the traditional standards of society, but I know their mind is still active and inquiring. One of my college roommates was also an art major. He eventually went into the medical field, just to have more opportunities to study the human figure for his paintings. He once told me that artists have the toughest major, because they have to study every other field plus art, just to survive after graduation. He wasn’t talking about making a living; so much as he was assessing the artist’s need to keep their mind tuned into fresh concepts and new culture. I believe he was right in his assessment of the true artistic mind… just consider the contents of Leonardo DaVinci’s notebooks when compared to the limited number of paintings he created. - DN